That moment when it all comes together…

…is the moment you realize that you have been living a lie for most of your life. It’s depressing and nearly heartbreaking to realize that the majority of your life had been shaped by something that happened to you as a child or young adult.

GET OVER IT!!

Really. Not just me but everyone. No matter how successful or how happy we are, we all have that small place in our minds and hearts where something someone said or did to us at some point in our lives shaped us into what and who we are today. It’s natural. It’s life.

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But does it REALLY have to be that way? Why should it?  Only you have the power over yourself, your mind and your destiny. Luke, it is your d.e.s.t.i.n.y.

Anyone can change. It takes drive, determination and a whole crap-ton of willpower. It’s not easy to let go of those fears or self-doubt. I won’t lie, it’s damn hard. What matters is how bad you want it. Whatever that “it” might be.

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For me, since this is after all, my blog…was being the awkward geeky girl with funky hair, big glasses and the ugliest clothing ever made. Ergo, the one who is always called last for any sporting event and who looked at PE class as the worst torture middle school has to offer. The hurdles terrified me, the peg board looking thing was a joke and the rope? Forget it.

I’m still awkward, I can trip over a perfectly flat surface, have fallen off my treadmill more times that I will ever admit in public and fall UP the stairs at least once a day once in a while.

I still have funky hair but with the wisdom of age and the miracle invention of a flat-iron, it’s not so bad.

I still wear big glasses but I also have contacts and fancy glasses that thin out that inch thick lens.

I now buy my own clothes.

I WANTED to be the girl who could take on that rope and climb to the top with the effort and ease the other girls did it. I WANTED to grab those stupid little pegs and hoist myself up the wall like a spider. My fear of being laughed at stopped me dead in my tracks. Every damn time.

Many factors contributed to my lack of confidence, not just the things above. I won’t share many of them less for the out of respect for the people involved part and more for the fact that I refuse to give any more of my life to the past.

I really, really thought I had overcome ALL – not just some, of those issues and moved on. Had you told me a few years ago that I lacked confidence, I would have laughed in your face and perhaps punched you in the nose kicked you in the shin.

Apparently not. Last year I decided that I wanted to compete in races, play in mud runs and do all the things that I was too afraid of and too self-conscious to do when I was younger. I put a token effort into it and then let my fears overcome me and instead of just being like NIKE and doing it, I gave up. I started smoking again, watched the weight on the scale go up and simply bought bigger clothes all while hating myself for being a quitter and a failure and desperately wishing I could be all those things I’d like to be.

I made excuses for myself like I was too old, I didn’t like working out, I like to eat, blah blah blah. The evidence of this delusion is on my former blog posts where I say I will never be one of those work-out-or-die types and I will never be a morning person. I watched the husband lose pound after pound with seemingly little effort and simmered with resentment. How wrong I was!

To change your life, you must change your mind.

One small sentence, packed with meaning and relevance. I had to stop dismissing the husbands efforts and concentrate on what he was doing. Because it’s working right? We all look at someone who is getting results and want them too. But to get them, you gotta do what they do.

I’m not talking fancy models or the latest smoken hot action star, but real people who get real results through hard work and effort. On their own. No fancy battalion of personal coaches and trainers, no high-priced personal chef’s to prepare your every meal and enough money to surgically erase anything that is unflattering, bulgy or lumpy.

He did his workouts in the morning. He started eating lean and counting calories. He was dedicated. I spent the entire day dreading that workout and ate what I felt like. He got results. I didn’t.

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Until I changed my mind(set).

I started getting my butt out of bed at 5am instead of 10. I rode my bike like the hounds of hell were chasing me. Even when it was cold, even when the fog was so thick I couldn’t see and even when it was so humid it was like breathing underwater.

I stopped eating crap food and concentrated on making every calorie count.

I stopped smoking.

I got results! I dropped several sizes in a few months and my rides became easier and faster. I started to look forward to getting up with the sun and riding while the sun was coming up over the horizon. It was peaceful and serene and the pounds dropped off. Even though I wrecked a few times on my bike, I didn’t let that stop me from getting back on it. Circumstances such as my dog developing diabetes and as such, needing to be on a strict schedule and going back to running the Concession stand for the Quarterback Club significantly slowed down my progress but I still did what I could, when I could and still maintained my healthy eating. That prevented a back-slide into former bad habits.

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I took a moment to look at others that had inspired me made me green with envy and started actually listening to their advice. My friends from Just Livin The Green played a huge part in my desire to really work on making myself into the person that I wanted to be. They choose a fit and healthy lifestyle and it showed! Not only in their appearance but in their actions and they way they carried themselves.

With some guidance from them, a LOT of support from my husband and a new wardrobe from Under Armour to replace all the too big stuff, I am working towards my goals with intense desire, drive and determination.

For 2014 –
I will compete in a Tough Mudder
I will compete in Hard Charge Peoria
I will compete in a Spartan Sprint in Chicago.
I will do my first Triathlon in August
I will compete in a minimum of one 5K

I now run with mostly confidence and no longer care if someone is watching me. Let them! I no longer care if I am sweating and muddy. I no longer care if my hair gets messed up or I wet my pants a little doing a sprint. (sigh…age!)

I had finally overcome that little girl who was plagued with self-doubt. It only took 40 years.

I will cross that finish line and I will take home 5 Finishers medals in 2014.

To borrow a phrase from UA,…

I WILL

Look for me on the finish line.

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Comments

  1. “We all look at someone who is getting results and want them too. But to get them, you gotta do what they do.” The unfortunte reality in today’s world is to be JEALOUS of what others have accomplished, and instead of emulating them, we criticize and blame them for our own shortcomings. And when people who have accomplished things try to give advice and help other people who haven’t yet accomplished those things, those that haven’t done it yet say that the people who have done it are all wrong. While I am a lover of good sarcasm, this is just plain stupid…

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  2. I never thought of you as a geeky girl with funky hair and big glasses..I always thought you were so cool and had a great style/wardrobe….I would compare you to Madonna (early 80s) =D…. I love that you have found your self-confidence (which I believe was in there the whole time just waiting to jump out at people) lol…and I love that you love yourself/your body that much more now. We “Curtis'” have to learn to love ourselves and all our little/big imperfections cuz honey we’ve got a few! lol.. But most of all – I love you….for simply being you!! =D ❤ Your little sister…(the youngest one..lol).

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  3. I will just say “AMEN” to the comment of little sister Teri. Well said.
    Love
    gramps

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  4. I love, love, love everything you wrote and could not be happier that you are seeing the cool and amazing girl we have always known!! Keep posting your progress…inquiring minds want to know! 🙂 Love ya girl! Trixie

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  5. Lory Ellerbrock says:

    This is amazing! I will write more tomorrow. big hugs~~~

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  6. Live your Life! Yes! May we all claim this birthright and help others along the way.

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  7. I think the three of us have had many conversations about this and so many things related to the constant gripping in America all while venting undiscovered issues. I believe everyone reaches that point (not an age) that they look out the window to the world and it just clicks. We then find, with blinding clarity, the one thing that gives us the drive. I can say that I have reached that point and it’s within my grasp to make the change. I have personally watched the two of you succeed in the things that you want to achieve and have envied that success all while not giving myself the chance to make my own achievements. I have seen both sides of the coin and my journey has just begun.

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